I want to share this experience with you to let you know that you are not alone and to have faith that things can get better amidst all the chaos and noise of the modern day during these trying times. I have lost all faith but somewhere deep inside of me I know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Recently I found out that for the last ten or so years I was walking around suffering from severe clinical depression which little did I know but it affected and still is affecting a huge chunk of my life leading me into an abyss I did not think I could get out of.
I however started to realise that mental health issues are so real that when I look back at those days which I still do from time to time where I lock myself in a dark room for days I start to understand how tough society has really become. Society tells us study, work, be something, do something with your life and your friends tell you get over your father, get over your wife, get over yourself and stop seeking attention that you start to believe it and think it is nothing and you are just having doubts and fears which are normal. Pride takes over and you say to yourself everyday that you are fine when in reality many including myself live in a complete limbo and feel like we are spinning on a hamster wheel with no way out.
People who have experienced sadness may think they understand depression, but that’s not usually the case. While depression is a serious mental illness, it is often misunderstood. When I was younger I described it as feeling as though I had been run over by a bus – not that it was painful, but that it was this huge weight on top of me that I couldn’t move. People were always saying I should “do this” or “try that” but they couldn’t understand that I was pinned under it and couldn’t get out.
I used to resort to many different coping mechanisms by either working myself until I burn out and start over from scratch or I would sometimes resort to alcohol or try and be someone I am not by moving my way around acquaintances to feel like I was someone in society worthwhile and for that I truly have regrets which leave you quite hollow. When anxiety and stress kicks in, I go into a sort of a shutdown mode and it is a constant headache nagging at you. Sleepless nights where each problem is amplified tenfold is the worst part and you feel like there is no way out. Honesty is the first step to finding the truth about yourself and who you are at your core.
As an analogy it’s a bit like being lost a sea, with rough waters, trying to tread water believing yourself entirely alone, no hope of rescue and knowing that you’re going to run out of energy soon, and eventually one wave is going to be enough for you to sink under.
The events that have unfolded on a national level recently have not helped me personally as I have lost confidence in our leaders and politicians and with such a condition, I feel lost even more and doubt what the future will hold.
Having said this I have since been seeking therapy for the first time ever throughout all these years and to get out of this cycle time is of the essence as I still feel a great deal of shame from this and have missed a couple of sessions in fact however I feel that I wanted to share this as so many people are out there and still suffer in silence and believe you me nothing can come, of not seeking the help you rightly deserve to be a better version of yourself and break the cycle. Nothing is harder for me than to openly talk about this but do not let others tell you that you are fine. Seek help now and message me and I can guide you how I am trying to get better. But please. Break this stigma by call people negative when they could be just suffering in silence. Help them break the chains and do not ridicule mental health as it can throw people on a downward spiral they may never recover from. I am here for you whoever you need me. All I can offer is counsel based on personal suffering.